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The Art of Listening.

So many times have we witnessed parties ignoring one of the most powerful skills available to them in negotiation. To our (and their) benefit, we, Mediators, do not, and are therefore able to intervene and utilise of such skill to help them get closer to a resolution. The challenge lies, however, in the instances when parties reach the mediation table already too blinded by their own biases, and hence unable to exercise the many effective options available. Especially the option of seizing their opportunity to listen; to learn.

The biggest challenge, nevertheless, lies on Mediators themselves being able to effectively and skilfully exercise the art of listening.

Once, a friend with extensive mediation training, and with a background in law and psychology, told me a story that illustrates the power of listening as a truly effective Mediator’s skill.

While mediating a divorce case, in caucus he asked the wife a simple question: “How long have you and your husband been separated?”.

To many, her answer was nothing but that: “He’s been away from home for a little over a year”. But to my friend, a true Mediator with sharp skills, her “simple” answer conveyed much more.

The art of listening allows us to put our own biases to rest, and immerse in the realm of what the speaker truly feels, what it really means to them, by the way they are expressing themselves. Whatever is divulged is being revealed not only through words, but through the person’s expressions, body language, demeanour, etc - after all, we communicate all the time, in many ways. So the person’s mere choice of words may, even subconsciously, expose crucial information that may help parties reach a resolution along the line.

For my friend, in that mediation case, the wife’s response was in fact revealing. By listening attentively, he was able to perceive her reluctance in accepting the separation, and most probably, in accepting the possible end of their marriage. He noticed she had not simply answered “for a little over a year”, which would have sufficed as an answer to his question. She added the fact that her husband had been “away from home”.

For such an astute Mediator, those simple yet clear words would convey much more. They would allow for a momentary insight into the true feelings and wishes of the wife - that for her, the marriage was on the rocks, but still ongoing. That it could still be salvaged.

My friend then asked her if that was the case - if she thought there was a chance for reconciliation with her husband. Long story short, the divorce mediation turned into a reconciliation process (and perhaps a couple’s therapy session; after all, my friend is also a licensed therapist). And they are now celebrating another year in their relationship.

So, people in general take the power of listening for granted innumerous times. Parties tend to do it much because of the emotional and personal investment they have developed in the dispute - always present in a relative scale, no matter what kind of dispute.

It is our honourable duty as Mediators, to help parties exercise their listening kills to unveil what other factors they might be at play in the conflict, to see from different perspectives, and learn about other options that might be available to them. It is also our incommensurable duty to exercise our own listening skills. Only then can we all learn from what we are observing and hearing.