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The Search for Empathy

In Mediation, we are always reminded of the crucial importance of empathy. Its use in the process brings mediators closer to the interest and consequent mindset of the parties involved, and contributes to the reinforcement of yet another crucial factor in the process: the parties’ trust in the mediator and in the process itself.

Sometimes, however, the actual usage of empathy in Mediation might be present merely as a vapid acknowledgement of its effectiveness and importance, or, at the very best, as a superficial attempt at “walking in someone else’s shoes”. Rarely do some Mediators engage in truly understanding, or at least genuinely attempting to understand and see a possibly very different perspective of an issue, provided by the parties directly involved in the conflict.

As an example, it might be very easy for me to watch and analise a marathon being run in 40℃ weather, from inside my air conditioned living room. I can even “empathise” with the runners’ struggles due to the fact that I am currently in the same location where the marathon is being run, and that I might have also run outdoors before, in similar heat. Having that in mind, I can therefore also imagine how much worse a marathon may be. I may even speculate about the months or years of preparation athletes must endure leading up to the race, their financial struggles, their societal challenges, etc, etc, etc. After all, I do consider myself to be an empathetic person. But is that enough? Is that true empathy?

Perhaps. But, from a Mediator’s perspective, when other unexpected, unimaginable or unrelated factors about a specific event are thrown into the mix, it might become tricky for us to truly empathise with the party involved. Especially when those circumstances do not reflect anything similar to what we previously experienced, or what we can imagine.

It might be very hard for us to truly set aside our own paradigms and sentiments, and understand what the event might have felt like and meant to that specific party, at that specific moment, after a specific set of background contributors, under those specific circumstances. Especially if their experience does not match our previous experiences or expectations about a similar situation we might have endured or learned about.

We must, therefore, exercise the power to absent ourselves from any prejudgement, preconceptions, assumptions and presumptions we might have. We must learn what’s being conveyed by the person who has truly suffered and is still engaged in the conflict.

In the example of the marathon, in order for us to truly empathise with the struggles of one particular runner, we must set aside all preconceptions we’ve had about running outdoors in the heat, and what we think we know about marathons. After all, this is their unique and exclusive experience, related to a unique and exclusive event.

We must truly listen when they tell us that the reason why they couldn’t win the race was that their shoes were in fact overly ventilated, thus making their feet too cold. The same when they additionally tell us that someone from the crowd yelled “pizza” at them, thus making them lose concentration. We must listen, and we must believe!

Despite being exposed to what might have made no sense compared to our previous experience in similar (or “normal”) circumstances, to feel empathy means we must believe in what is being told by the party involved, no matter how improbable that might seem to us. For that is what the truth is for them. That is what they experienced. Even if they say they saw the sun set in the east.

For empathy to be exuded and be purposefully effective, we should remember that the “what happened” is not what truly matters. We must acknowledge what and how the person felt about what they perceived to have happened.

“We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it is like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences” - Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

It is quite challenging to exercise true empathy in Mediation, or in life in general. And yet, when applied in its pure form, empathy in Mediation is incredibly effective in building trust, reinforcing rapport, and helping parties move on from their conflicting circumstances towards a resolution, and to continue on with their lives.

True empathy is also incredibly liberating for all parties involved in Mediation. It validates the hurt and controversy the parties have had to endure, whilst at the same time allowing the Mediator to feel the power and effectiveness of solidarising with a party in conflict. Both factors help parties and Mediators get a better understanding of the human factor involved, and possibly move the process towards an effective resolution.